Having a drink... and thinking | specialagentscully's Blog

By myself.

I know I shouldn't, but it's when I want to drink. Alone with my bottle of wine. Shut off the phone. I mostly don't want to drink when I'm with others. No worry, I don't drink that often, just sometimes, it's a part of me, being alone, and have a drink. After all, it's only me it can hurt in the end. Yes, it's been a long day. I was of service, I was friendly, but even that isn't enough. I put 101 dalmatians to the kids today. It's nearly xmas holidays, and I wanted to do something else with them, something they like.  We are supposed to talk about it on thursday. I was at the back of the class, and I nearly cried. I mean 101 dalmatians? Not because of the movie itself, but for the solidarity. I transposed it to people. I can picture things easily, and get the whole thing in something. And so, what do I need to say more?

So yeah, I'll probably be drunk later. I don't need much honestly. I think I'm already a bit drunk. Not even two glasses... Wine to forget? No, no, wine to live. With alcohol, the only things I forgot were what I did the night before, but never ever what I've had inside (it's a big illusion to believe so), or what you can tell me. And music. There're two things that can really touch me, music, and people. All I see in them, and that I'm uncapable to show. It can be hurtful to tell me I have no feelings. Not anybody, but people that I love. Or people who can see through me, but say it anyway. Just to hurt. I don't know what people have in mind sometimes, I see and feel what they do or say, or show, but, offend or hurt on purpose, is something I do no understand, and even less accept. I'm not a control freak. Except with myself. I let go of things, but it doesn't mean the rest goes with it. It's not as easy as you're gonna choose to let go.

So yeah, I think it's gonna be lots of music this evening. I mean it's 9pm, and I just got back home or? People think being introverted is a disease. It's not, and it doesn't mean you're shy, or you don't like people. It's just a physical (and emotional) need to be at quiet, on your own. I feel so "out of the world" for so many people. If you only knew how I observe you, and how I feel for you. Only the kids I have can see through that, I mean, really see through that. They take, they take a lot, and it can be exhausting, but it's not greed. They give a lot to, not that they're aware of it. I love their innocence. They rant, and cry, for nothing sometimes, but it's so easy to reach them. I don't need to be overly affectionate (see, all of them? Impossible), or to be emphatic, or whatever adults feel like they need to do to be noticed. Just listen, and answer properly, and being honest. Kids aren't stupid. Even very little, maybe they don't understand the complicated words of the dictionary (who understands entirely all these words?), but I'm sure they put things well together. And I want to give them something else, that this traditional, completely oreverrated way to teach them. Like if it's a sin to hug a child crying so much because none of their parents was able to pick them up at school. My colleagues say "it will pass". Pass? Can't you see the deep feeling of abandon there is behind? And so on. There are so many things that shock me in education. Like if us adults are all the time better. Sometimes I think we should just shut up.

Yeah, I have children after the class too. And "after school private" classes. Not ALL the time. But I volunteer often to do it. Why? IN spite of being so introverted? Honestly, I don't have the answer. I see lots of kids who are so little there. Nursery school. And these are long days for me. But what about them? Yes, I'm really more open with them than with people generally, but they need that. Just looking after them, and say "it looks good" when they show you their drawings makes you feel a good person? Me not. I don't do as if, never, not with them. I don't always have the time to take care of each of them during the class. There, I can. They're all different, and they all have something to bring. I just want them to be able to do it. Maybe because I missed that so much. I stayed a lot in these "after classes", when I was a child. There were always bigger children there. I was at school early (too early), because I could read. Like if reading was the world for a child of that age. I have that kid, he's one year older, and a slow reader. So what? Just teach differently, and it'll work. He looks very confident, but he's less than the others actually. We're not supposed to teach them confidence right? Just reading, maths, and lines, and intellectual stuff. Well, if life was all about that, it would be extremely boring. Did you see the movie Equilibrium? Maybe you'll know more what I mean.

And, I always feel like I didn't do enough. Yeah, I said it already here, I trust myself to be larger than life. Working with children gives me more strenght for that, them, supposed to be so fragile. yeah, physically they are, and I could be able to kill anyone raping or assaulting a child, but they're definitely not weak.

Well, and what else? Just, sometimes they ask questions. It's good, I encourage them to. But sometimes, I can't answer. Because I don't know, or really sometimes they have the weirdest questions. It may sound really surprising to many of you, I know, that I have such an open communication with human beings. It happens, at the end of the class, what are you gonna do this evening? I admit, sometimes I lie, or simplify things. Because I don't talk them baby, but there're some things I don't want them to know. hey, it's a bit my life too. So today, I was really tired, but I took the time, and told them I was gonna take a bath. And it was, with bubbles? Are you gonna play with barbies in it? lol They call me by  my first name. Again, some of my colleagues think it's not that way i'm gonna teach them respect. Ha ha, F you. Well, I don't answer that. Distance doesn't mean respect. yeah, sometimes, often, I wonder why some of my colleagues are teachers, especially with so young kids. They forgot that they once were children. And what they felt then. Kids are respectful to me, and whether they call me by my first name or not, it's got nothing to do with that.

And so, more music right : ) I'm not unhappy. Just tiiiiiired, and lonely, although I'd rather be alone. Paradoxical. It's just that I don't want to be with anyone right now. I think they're only two people that I could let in this evening. One is a man, the other is a woman. And they're far, in distance, although a one hour plane would be enough. I just don't wanna call. They count on me to be happy, and strong, and to go on, whatever. I do, don't worry, just slowing down is good. It feels good. Safe, and quiet, and just like me in fact : )

So, oh, I think it sounds like a rant. It's not. It's just, life. Well tomorrow, I don't have the small kids. Only private lessons with  older kids. They're about 12-14, and they act like they're adults already. OMG, just be children, you will miss so much if not. I never make them feel what they don't wanna be, but I tell them, being a child is soooo good : )

It's true, I have an understanding of humans, children, but also adults, that is beyond what you could ever see in me. Not because I don't talk, or say nothing, that I don't perfectly know what's going on, for you, or just what's going on. I'm told to have a high IQ, but people suppose I have a low EQ. You could be surprised. Actually my EQ is higher than my IQ. It's the truth : ) Yeah, I took tests, at a certain time of my life I needed to. Because I felt unable to do anything, professionally. I thought I was both an idiot, and just inept. But what helped me the more weren't the test results, but who I had on my road to explain to me, and talk to me about these results.

Never judge a book by its cover, I said that already. But it's so true. Whatever you can discover, the good or the bad. It's mostly good, trust me. because you learn, intellectually sure, and it's good too, but humanly. Well, I've told too much this evening. Gonna go back to my life.