I should go to sleep | specialagentscully's Blog

I can't go. I can't stop thinking. Where are you? What are you doing? How are you feeling? And who are you with... Far away from me. I am jealous. Not envious, but jealous yeah. Jealous of whomever can spend *these* moments with you. I don't give my heart to anyone. But now it's too late, is it? It seems like you just don't care. Talk to me. Tell me. Whatever what. I'm very empty this evening. I love you, but I love her too. And I didn't choose it. Maybe you can choose who you hang around with, but who you love, no, never, and if you think otherwise, you're lying to yourself there. But you enjoy lying to yourself, it's so easier. I might sound angry there, but I'm so not. It's so more deeper than that. Drinking isn't a good thing for me, you noticed. Because i always do it when I shouldn't. My introversion isn't the problem. I've known of introverts who are very comfortable with their emotions, I'm even in love with one of them. It's more than that. It's... fear, of something i'm craving. Torture, yes that's the word. I torture myself. It's not something I do to hurt myself, although it does, it's something I can't help doing. You have no idea, how it feels to be so very emotional, and to feel like you have to show nothing. I've been lookng inside,to fnd the answer, but i've lived so many dirty things, it's hard to untangle this all. I thought you knew me. You don't. Fine. Now I'm on my own. Is it?