I need to talk - how can I write that without hurting anyone more? - I want to call it: story of a ghost, maybe you'll understand why | specialagentscully's Blog

1 - the shock


How many times did she try to tell me it was you? I felt some allusions. The more powerful to me, before she told me, was that I had the teeth smile of my father. I was hurt, and she said not the father I thought. I asked what it meant, but she didn't answer.

And there was that day. She was ironing, in her purple bathrobe, in the guests room. I went there to put on my coat, because it was still cold, in april (1991), and to tell her I was gonna play outside. It was on a saturday afternoon. I was ten. But she wanted to talk to me, about going to my great grand mother, for a week of holidays. My mother was quite sick then, and I didn't want to leave her alone. And anyway, I didn't want to go there. I told her so. She said it would be good for me, and to go to the sea too. I felt like crying, I thought she wanted to get rid of me. I asked if she would come then. She said that she wasn't invited. I was shocked, and still am. Invited? When you go to see your family, you ask, but invited? I told her I remembered perfectly that she treated her of a "putana", when I was smaller. And that I was a "hija de puta" (guess why so many family members skipped her funerals...). I asked why all that. She looked at me, and asked me if I really wanted to know. And I said yes. She told me that my father's name was... and gave me more informational details. But nothing about my story in fact. First I thought my father had changed name. I didn't really understand, or didn't want to. Then I got it. It felt like the world was collapsing. I ran off. Outside. And i forgot, for a long time. And started having terrible migraines.


2 - years of growing doubts


You don't have a face that is so easy to forget.
After my mother's death, my grand-parents kept me, but had to hide me for the summer holidays, not telling anyone where we were, because of my father on the paper. Theyr risked jail, but they did it. We went to my grand aunt (my grand father's sister). She had her class to finish, but didn't stay long with us. I was eleven then. I was still rather blonde then. A sort of light ash blond, with red highlights. And I wanted to dye my hair really red. My grand mother didn't really want to, but my grand father said it would be ok, if it was without ammonia. When my grand aunt saw that, she said it was really a shame for a true blonde to dye her hair. Blonde with blue eyes, like your father she said. And there was a silence. I told her my father had really dark brown hair. And she said, that no, he was very blonde. She watched my grand mother, and asked "you still haven't told her? " I asked what. I really felt there was a problem. My grand mother just said that she wouldn't tell me anything, and my grand father came, saying the discussion was over. I wasn't supposed to go out of the garden. But on that day, I did, hanging around on the closer streets. And I saw you. And i smiled to you. I was so innocent then. You smiled back.

Later, we went to pack my mother's stuff. In our old aparment. I asked if I could be of help, but thy only wanted me to enjoy my holidays. My grand father paid me a month of swimming pool, and I was there mostly everyday. Have the time to say goodbye to my friends, a soft way. One afternoon, we went to the natural park. My mother would bring me there when she could. It was august, 15, maybe 16 (1992). And I was doing craps on athletic bars. I had climbed them, but I didn't know how to go down. My grand father wanted to help me, but I told him I had to use my brain. I ended up doing the hanging pig lol But I kind of made it. And you, were there. Watching and laughing. You were not alone, there was your wife too. Maybe why I remember it so well. You were wearing a dark blue jacket, jeans, and a rather dark cap. I don't know why, I walked to you both, and you were speaking english, but an accent I did'n't get then. My grand father asked me to go back. He looked furious, enraged.

In the summer 1993, we went ot french britain. I so wanted to go there, and my grand father told me that if we went, it was my birthday gift. I've never been so attracted to material gifts anyway, so YES, big time. We came back after my birthday, that we celebrated there. On september, 3, we went to buy the things. I wasn't supposed to have another gift, but my grand mother bought me that cap, redskins cap. I was a tomboy then, and I loved to wear a cap. I was outside, in front of the garage, inside the garden. When I heard that motor, slwoing down, and it felt weird. I KNEW, it was gonna turn on our street. And it did. And stopped in front of the house. A big car, black,  square shaped. With tinted windows. So how could I know it was you? Let me finish. I ddin't see much, but that you wore a cap. You stayed there, for a moment I think, but it was long to me. And the garage  door was closed. Then you drove away fast, suddenly. Maybe you don't remember it. But there was that little wall, on the side of the garage, making a cut with the garden. I jumped on it, to see you go, and more, to see the plate. A kind of plate I had never seen. These numbers, that I never forgot, tell me, still today, that it was you. I ran in the garden then, for they opened the door. I told them about what had happened. And they didn't look surprised. My grand father asked me if I had seen the plate. I said no. It was too suspicious to me, their reaction.

I rummaged through my mother's stuff. The boxes. And I heard him, I did, saying there was nothing "compromising" anymore there. Because my grand mother had asked, what if she finds something?

2 - 1 The encounter


Back in 1998 (june, 18). I was waiting at the bus stop. With my friends. I was waiting to take my a-level englsih exam. I was seventeen. And there was that guy, sitting there, peacefully, without luggage (you'll understand why I say that later). And he started to mumble out loud about the station. No, I did no know who you were. But I knew I had seen you already. So you walked right through us. And I was like, WTF? My english was quite bad then, sorry. You said nothing, just standing still, expressionless. So asked you if it was the station you were looking for. I remember my friend Chris wanted to explain to you, but you said, calmly, but firmly "no, she". I tried not to laugh, but I can tell you, it did good to him lol I tried to explain to you, the best I could, but I remember it perfectly well still today, and I wasn't good :/ Anyway, you took the direction I had shown you. I found it weird that you wanted to go to station, opposite from where we were, no luggage, while you were just sitting quietly at the bus stop. I watched you go away. And you turned round, and stared, with such a look. Impossible to forget. My freidns asked me if I hadn't recognized you, and I said no, and who I was supposed to recognize anyway. But I knew you, jjust not the way they did. And I asked who you were. They said it wasn't their role to tell me. What a curious answer.


Back to 2


The last I saw you. Well, it was on my current street. And yes, it was you. I'm not stupid, and not blind, and deaf neither. It was on october, 11, 2006, by 4.30 pm. I was going home. And I saw you, still, opposite sidewalk. Just staring. You were wearing dark blue pants, and your bag on your left shoulder. And that pink shirt of yours, such a peculiar pink. I wanted to walk to you, to cross the street. The thing is, I was really more shy then than I am now. I just, let it go. And it's all my fault.

But, I remember only the "shocking" emotional things. How many times did I miss you?


3 - revelation (or the shock 2)


December, 1, 2006, walking home, after work. I saw that man on his bicycle, with a red sweat, and white hair. And I don't know what happened. I remembered. Everything, making the connections with all I had lived. All coming back to me. I said, a punch in the stomach, but it's not strong enough to describe how I felt then. I collapsed in my partner's arms. I don't know how long I cried, but it was like I couldn't stop.

Yeah, I've tried to contact you then, too emotionally I fear. But I feel it's too late. I let my chance go, and I didn't even know it.

This is my "teeth smile". I don't think I've smiled like that since then. I don't smile much anymore.