Mulder dear | specialagentscully's Blog

It'll be the new year in some minutes. I'm alone this evening. I guess you are too. I didn't wanna be with anyone, what for? The only one I wanted to be with is you. It's been a very long year. Like most of the years before. Not much joy in life, mostly hard things. But you've been there, and I could laugh, some. I still work at school. I suppose you still work at the shelter. I don't know how you do it. I volunteered, some, and it was so emotionally devastating. I'm supposed to be the strong one, but you have more courage than I do. Well, another xmas holidays separate. The fourth ones. It's hard now. I tried to reason myself the years before, but I don't see any point in doing it now. In january, that will be five years of friendship, sort of ambiguus friendship. I so hoped that it wuld be different this year. But it's not. Like a massive black hole between us. I suppose you're watching tv? I can't do that, all these craps. I don't know how you do that either. Well, I sent you something, a mail, and you will understand the rest. I would like to call you, but I feel things aren't settled, for now. I know the hurt will pass, for you, for me. But why do we have to live that? It could be so easy. I tried to have fun, like you taught me "have fun, don't wait, nobody's gonna wait for you". Yeah, maybe, but without you, it doesn't seem to be the same. I think I'll go to bed. What else? At least I can daydream in my bed, it gives me hope. And I wanna have hope, because I don't wanna give up. It feels like nothing will ever be the same. I found you, I can connect with you, and I can't really connect with anyone else, and we have to be separate, how fair is that? What have we done for that? Nothing, this is my answer, we've done nothing. Happy new year Mulder. Ha, for what it's worth, you and me know it's just another day.