What is true... (?) | specialagentscully's Blog

I remember now. I started my life as an INTJ. I could read quite early, as a reward, I was placed at school... Although I was emotionally immature. I wanted to read all the time, scientific stuff mostly, until the age of 11/12, that was all I read. My mother bought me scientific books for children, and I would complain there were too many pictures, and not enough reading in them. Although I still love illustrated books, in colors. So she bought me real books. It's not that I didn't care for my mates feelings, but I was so straightforward, so blunt. I didn't have lots of friends, and still now, but now it's by choice. I still love reading, about science, neuroscience, and astronomy, but also psychology now. And travels, and even politics, or whatever intellectual stuff can be talked about. And, yes, there are other people like that, not like me, but like that, but there are few of them. It's rare to have a deep conversation nowadays. So I shut up, and people think me rude, shy, cold, or insensitive. If only they knew how rich my inner life is. I don't need all these stuff they need. A computer, and I can spend hours not even being aware of time tickling. I thought I was an INFJ then, but I think that's what I wanted to be, because I lack so many emotional skills. I AM an empath, for my curse, and I don't like it. People think, even introvert friends, that I spend too much time alone. They don't realize that I work with children, and how it sucks me to the bone. Then, I just want to crash, and read, and read, and listen to music. But one thing is sure, I am me. You like it or not, not my problem. Being true to myself is the most important thing in my life. Act according to what I am. Honesty. And I believe only that way I can be true in any situation, and with others. Whatever I give them, which is I suppose, a little. I'm not saying that I never lie, I do. Mostly by omission. I don't like to tell verbal lies. It happened I did though. Not people to know what I have inside. Not to hurt a child, or a friend. I try not to offend people. I "corrected" somehow my bluntness. But not always. Yes, I believe I'd so much like to be an INFJ, a people person, more in accordance with that world, but I'm not. I'm an INTJ, I'm cerebral, I think first, I'm rational. I developed a lot my "feeler" side though. Because I had to, living my sick mother. It was too much to ignore. Yes, I would have been a good doctor probably. But it's not what I chose, so give me a break with that. I didn't want to spend my time in hospitals, seeing people hurting and dying, I've had my lot of that even before I could choose my field. I still have a passion for science, and probably will always have that. It keeps me balanced. But I had other gifts, and I used them, to be free, if that makes sense to you. I'm supposed to be "high gifted" lol Yeah, intellectually, probably, but what about the rest? I'm a nerd, a highbrow, like my friends say. I wasn't even capable to keep the man I loved, and who loved me too, but I was so, "difficult". I'm going to see friends now, unbelievable I had to "prepare" myself for it. They're friends, they like me, or love me. They take me as I am, but I have to get ready for it, like a fight, a struggle to keep inside all these. So I'm intelligent, a lot for some, but not brilliant. Brilliant to me is succeeding in every part of youself. And I don't. But I'm me. Entirely.