Do I need to talk? | specialagentscully's Blog

I suppose I do, often. But I don't. So, do I need to write? sounds more appropriate.

What do I have to say? Craps, like most of time.

Mulder and I talk to each others, again. Well, write, would be closer to the truth. He doesn't push anything, but I told him straight, I don't want to talk for now. No two ways with me, clear and simple. Well, for who deserve it. He just said he's happy we're still friends, and he's sincere, I've known him enough to know. It's not a hot and cold game, or going nice and slow, it's just, things are like that, for now.

I saw that stupid ass working at the drugstore, two days ago. And this is a long story here. I go there, still, why not? You'll understand why I asked later. I've been there for a while now, several years. And so, I saw him often. And I liked him, in fact. I don't know how it happened, it just happened. It was more than polite. From him, more. Once, I crossed him, on the street. I had drunk three beers, and was not in control like I would have wanted. I was upset, and angry at Fox, that's another story. So he had to go to work, but stopped, to talk to me. He stayed actually twenty minutes, don't know what he told his boss then. In the conversation, I told him he was cute. It was just like that. I didn't know he would interpret it like that. He grew to be quite charming. I was on my guard, but things were normal.
Until that evening. I was smoking at my window, talking with my neighbor, just the window next door. And I saw him coming, searching, and big smile when he saw me. I thought it was quite cheeky to have picked up my personal info to find my place. So we talked. And I admit, I wanted to know more I knew already he had a girlfriend (poor her), but after what he had told me, it didn't work well. Well, well, be careful I thought. But I said, you wanna come upstairs. It wasn't a question, I knew that's what he wanted. He said just yes. He's pretty straightforward, at least you can't take that away from him. Then come, I said. I wasn't afraid. But I was still on my guard, and he noticed, and kept the distance, physically. And he played the big game, I mean, some men aren't ashamed. I will spare you the craps. It was suspicious. You don't have a girlfriend alreeady? I asked. Yes, he said, but I have the sexuality of a twenty years old guy. It was a brilliant sentence, for his girlfriend, for me, and for himself. I said I wasn't that kind of girl. He said he knew by now, but he couldn't resist to try. So he said that maybe we could still see as friends. I said we could always try. But he talked then to me like if I was an old buddy, but still trying to pick me up. Ah yeah? You want to play the mastermind bitch with me? So I first passed at the drugstore, I know, I pushed it, and said to him, in front of his boss, that he had forgotten something at my place the former evening. Then I put a letter, a false love letter, in the letter box at the drugstore. I wanted to embarrass him, but I didn't expect it would go so far. He's got a colleague, a "gunman", sort of, who tried to read through the enveloppe, and he made a letter himself, not handwritten, but with newspaper cut. A very less gracious one. So then my cute drugstore guy came to my place to tell me he had received the letters, both of them. I was surprised. Honestly, he started to wonder if he had been right by this moment, saying he had a girlfriend and all. Well, i'm not gonna explain everything, because it was a mind game then. He would have said, I'm sorry, I was an idiot since the beginning. Ok, but then, it was an overt mind game. I really bothered him, annoyed him. I ddin't love him, but liked him certainly. It became personal.
One evening, he came at my window, asking David (who was there, smoking, and music aloud lol), and asked if I was there, that we really needed to talk. So I got downstairs. He was the most of the cowards. That he tried to help me? Because I took meds then? And so? But I was dependent on him? LOL If i'm dependent, the word independence doesn't mean anything anymore. But I let him talk. And I told him, I don't want to be with you, you're an asshole, who wants a sex friend, although you already have a girlfriend. The only right thing he said was he was sorry. He wasn't even worth the game. So he hurt me, my ego more than my feelings. I remained contained, but I was fuming. I slammed the door, and I cried, of rage. That is pretty rare. I mostly cry because I'm exhausted. Even David was afraid lol he was on the phone and said "I'll call you back".
So I still go there. And it's polite. but that sarcastic politeness, always a little bonus to say, on both sides. It's funny in fact, and I'm not embarrassed the slightest. Once I saw him at the market. And he asked me that he had heard (from his gunman friend sure, remind me not to talk at the drugstore), that I had someone. I said yes. And so he said he should know, because I went to take my meds there, and considering my state... blah blah. My state? LOOOOOL Of course. I'm telling you, some men are ashamed of nothing. Baby me. I swear...

What then? Going back to work tomorrow. I don't feel ready. Although I know it'll do lots of good to me to have my discipline back. I just fucked up on these holidays. I let go, but not the right way, because i'm unable to do it the right way. Maybe I'd like to have someone in my life, a relationship, not an affair. But not living with someone either. Or someone who could accept that I have my desk in a room of mine, and spend lots of time there. Ha, what am I thinking. I don't even know if I can fall in love now. Yeah. Right. Go fuck yourself Scully.